I Miss You (Yeah, Who Woulda Thought?)

You know growing up, going to school was this unbearable, yet unavoidable feat that we had to do because, well, we just had to. Elementary school wasn't so bad, though it really should've been, seeing as I attended 5 different schools in those 6 short years. I had friends, but never kept in touch once I moved away. Middle school was probably the worst, being in that awkward-teen-who-am-I stage isn't something I'd wish on anyone, though EVERYONE has to go through that. But in those three years, you really learn a lot about life, about people, about back stabbing, fighting, feelings, relationships, and sure, in high school, all of those things are running even more rampant, but one (usually) learns how to deal with it more, especially in my case. I took on the fuck-the-world-and-everyone-in-it persona, and it worked for me for the most part. I was friends with everyone, I was on the honors track, I didn't care about what people said or did, because I was "tough".

And now that I've strayed entirely too far from the point of this blog... I went to school. But I didn't like it. My junior year I was set on taking a year off from school before going to college, to figure my life out. As we all know that didn't happen. I went to Vol State for two years (a school that I, and people will tell you this, was dead set on NOT attending, because I always felt I was far too good for a community college. Boy, did I get a slap in the face) and then MTSU, which I hated every second of, not to mention all the crazy ass criminals running around campus stabbing, shooting, raping, etc. And then there's the Art Institute, which, as much as I loved the idea of, is proving to be a bigger mistake than it was productive.

Anyway, what it all comes down to is, I miss Vol State. I loved that school. Sure, I know I complained about it at times, but I'm a girl and sometimes, we do that (SHOCKER). The people were always so helpful, the teachers (most of them) were amazing: Shoutout to Dr. P, Top, BoHarold, and Mrs. Bailey! I miss the classes. Oh, how I LOVED my psych classes and the crazy field trips we took, the interesting things we learned, the discussions that sometimes got heated enough to make someone flip their desk because they were SURE they were right on whatever point they were trying to make. I miss the people, the students, the interaction on this intellectual level that I never thought I'd enjoy, and sure as hell didn't think I'd miss when I didn't have it anymore. But most of all, I miss the stability of school. I had a schedule, class from this time to that, this day of the week. I was productive, I felt like a functioning part of society. I had a direction when I was in school, a path that I was following to a life that I wanted. I had a purpose in school, I had a way. I had FUN for God's sake.

And now, I have none of that, and honestly, I feel like my IQ is slowly dropping (ha, kinda like my GPA did!). I really feel like I can't carry on a normal, productive, smart conversation anymore, that my answers to intellectual questions are more "Yeah" and "Sure" and "Hm, I don't know" than an actual answer that means anything... I Google everything, too, because half the time, I have no idea what you're talking about. I might as well start dragging my knuckles on the ground and grunt when I need something.
All I have left now is a degree getting me nowhere and a stack of loans that Lord knows when I'll be able to start paying off, all when I should be a senior in college, making something of myself.
If anyone has a special potion that you drink that makes you wake up and suddenly have all the answers, please, let me have the recipe.

Math, the one thing I DON'T miss about school.

There Comes a Time... Okay, So Maybe More Than One Time.

As most people know about me, I am a serial mover-outer (yeah, I just made that into a word-thing. Take THAT Webster!) I attempted moving after high school. That worked out SO well. After moving back home within three days of leaving, my life changed dramatically, but more on that later. I then moved, with the family, to the campground where I lived until last summer. Again, I tried the venturing out thing and moved to Murfreesboro to attend school. Sure it felt right at the time, but things were slowly going downhill and I found myself spending more time at "home" with my family than at my actual apartment where I should have been. Then, after I dropped out of school, I technically moved back in with my family, though most of my belongings remained at the apartment, with my dear roommate (worst roommate award definitely goes to me). I never ventured out. I couldn't ever be on my own. And now, at 21, I am finally a bit closer to that goal. Being independent.


Chattanooga is my home again, which is a weird thought, because I never felt like it stopped being home in the first place. But other places were just stand ins, I guess. Though I loved living in various other cities, and love the people (you know who you are), Chattanooga has always been my favorite place. Yes, I attempted living here once before, fresh out of high school. But, before the heckling of how I came home too quickly begins, you must understand where I was coming from. A shy (ha, yeah right) and completely oblivious to the real world 18-year-old with no car, no job/experience, and no prospects in this big city, when I was used to chickens trudging down the side of the road and tractors holding up traffic. Culture shock to the MAX. And I couldn't handle all the newness all at one time. Kudos to my awesome friend who stuck it out and loved it, I was always so proud of her for that. She was more brave than I could hope to be. 


But I came back and had to figure out things, or so I thought. Three years later, and I still haven't figured out much. No longer the same person I was, however similar and scared. This place, though I am from here and do have family, is big and scary. Yes, I am living with my brother and his wife, but their lifestyle is different than what I'm used to. Not in bad way. Just in an unsuspecting, unfamiliar way. However different and crazy it may be at the moment, I must live with it. Because this is it for a while. I've got to do this. I feel out of my element, and I don't even know what my element is. Finding a job is hard. Understatement of the century. But again, I have to stick it out. I thought moving would help me feel less useless to those around me, but alas, I still feel that way. Yeah, I know, I've been told to not think negatively, so I'm just gonna plaster on a smile and be cheery. I do love it here, it's an amazing city. But I'm still processing it all. The people here have been nothing but nice. They party, and as much as I always thought that was me, a party girl, as much as I liked the idea of it, or thought I liked it, I'm not that person. Socially awkward (it's true, I have a slight panic attack in crowded places), I am always unsure of how to act around people. Never feeling good enough, funny enough, interesting enough. But. For now, I will look past that and try my best at this new life because this is it. This is my life. And I gotta live it, me or someone else. Happy or sad. Happy for the most part, so no worries, loves of mine. 


I guess that's all for now, more of a rambling venting spew than a blog, but I appreciate the read nonetheless :)
I can't wait to see everyone again.

 A LOT.

And that's totes for reals.
loves <3