To Whom It May Concern

Did it ever occur to you that I have feelings? That maybe, just maybe, what you did would affect me in the worst way? That you might be hurting me? That I'm a human being, not something to be toyed with? I guess not. Because you probably didn't even think about me. How I would feel when it was all said and done. How I would never be the same. How it would change me, my life.
You don't know anything about everything. You don't know how you took away my happiness, and gave me so much pain. You don't know that you took away my belief and trust in people. You took away my faith and hope in others. You took away the importance. You took away my love. And you took away my life. Because now, all I can do is regress. I can only see the bad in people. I don't know how to look past it and find the good. Because once you get burned, the scars are too visible to ignore.
Did you take into account that you're not the only one who would take something away from all this? That I held the most shattered pieces in my hands? That it would break me? That it would bring me to the edge? Because you didn't stop to think what the consequences would be in the end, you just took what you thought was yours, and didn't think twice. Because you don't care.
I cannot forgive you. Not until I feel I can. Because you brought it all down. You made me the person I never wanted to be, the person I hated.You don't know me. Just know that you were the worst thing that could have happened upon my life.
How do you justify your actions? When did it become okay to walk all over people? Push them away and act like it means nothing, like they don't mean anything.
News flash: I matter.
Because God is on my side. He is rooting for me to win, even when you want to me to lose.

I won't quit.

I will not give up.

I am going to win.

The Beatles Had It Right.

"The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in.”

I can't offer you much. I'm not that intelligent, so I won't always know what to say about any certain topic. I can't offer many educated opinions for or against something. I can't give you advice, or even much understanding. Because being at the point I'm at in my life, struggling everyday and looking for my own answers, I'm in no position to tell you where to go or what to do. I don't know that I will tell you what you want to hear. Because I don't know. I can't give you money. Like most of America, I struggle in that area as well, especially being a college student, on her own. Sometimes I won't offer compassion or sympathy. Because I get angry. And I get mean. Because sometimes things are just too easy to handle with such poise. I can't give you stability, because, these days, my emotions change at the drop of a hat. And I don't know where I am going to be from one day to the next. I don't know if i can offer forgiveness, even though I want to. I am working on that part of me, but it's going to take time, just like all things important. I don't make promises, because I simply don't believe in them. I don't believe it's right to give someone your word when you can't know that you can keep it, 100%, all in. And I don't feel bad about any of it because I'm allowed to have a say in my life. Because it's the honest truth. And because the only thing I can offer is the most important thing of all.

The one thing I can give you is love. And that's all that really matters in the end, isn't it? 

Love is all we need.

<3

Once You Ace the Interview...

“Job security is gone. The driving force of a career must come from the individual.”

I work for one of the most intense employers out there. It's a struggle everyday to clock in. Sometimes I just don't because it's too hard. I don't always do what is in the job description. I get lazy. I fall short. I'm not like my co-workers, who seem to find the job easier, less pressing than I've seen. I curse the boss and sometimes wish him away. It's a voluntary part of life, but more beneficial, less detrimental than many seem to think. Some days I want to quit, run away where no on will find me. But the boss will always know, even when I don't want him to. My job is the hardest of them all, no matter what anyone says. Because I am a Christian, employed by God and all His will.

Being a Christian is a messy job. Everyday, I wonder if I quitting is the best option, because everyday, it gets harder. Harder to believe. Harder to find faith. Harder to fulfill the duties that are instilled in me. I look around at everyone else, those who surround me. Some soar through the trade with ease and grace, knowing how to make Him happy, knowing how to make themselves happy. I will never get Employee of the Month. Because I don't know how to be exceptional. I don't know how to not have my doubts. I can't promise that I will be able to finish what I start or know how to handle it all or how to succeed.

It's the most unfair part of me, to not be grateful, to not feel like I have the advantage. Because this job offers so many benefits. But I let the tribulations rule my life. I focus on the afflictions, and left the heartache rule my life. How can He have such love for me when I can't even begin to understand His reasoning? There is no security in wavering faith. But I can't seem to apply myself to the position of disciple. I don't have the requirements to fill the title and all it entails. So how do I justify myself, trying to qualify for what can't be done?

The temptation to be safe overtakes my world. To not care. To not feel. To not love. To not live. As much as I want to give my notice, I know I can't. Because then it would all come crashing down, all the pain and endurance that, though it seems further and further everyday, has brought me closer to the upgraded version of me, the promotion that I'm not so deserving of. Because quitting is not the right answer. A life without God, to live with no belief, no faith, is simply not living. Because being a Christian is anything but safe. It is messy and daunting and completely erratic. It's difficult and heartbreaking and miraculous and beautiful. And I am still in training.


I'm close to my breaking point. I'm scared to death. And I can't see 2 feet in front of me. But I'll pray everyday until I can't pray anymore.
God is my master, and I'll do everything in my power to keep it that way. This girl's not going anywhere.


I may be broken. I may be hellbent. But I'm not damaged goods. God's got me covered in His 401K.


"Oh, no. My walls are gonna break. So close. It's more than I can take. I'm so tired of turning and running away when LOVE just isn't everything you want, but it's everything you need. It's not always happy endings, but it's every in between. It's taken to long, so long to finally see, that your LOVE is worth the risk." Britt Nicole