Once You Ace the Interview...

“Job security is gone. The driving force of a career must come from the individual.”

I work for one of the most intense employers out there. It's a struggle everyday to clock in. Sometimes I just don't because it's too hard. I don't always do what is in the job description. I get lazy. I fall short. I'm not like my co-workers, who seem to find the job easier, less pressing than I've seen. I curse the boss and sometimes wish him away. It's a voluntary part of life, but more beneficial, less detrimental than many seem to think. Some days I want to quit, run away where no on will find me. But the boss will always know, even when I don't want him to. My job is the hardest of them all, no matter what anyone says. Because I am a Christian, employed by God and all His will.

Being a Christian is a messy job. Everyday, I wonder if I quitting is the best option, because everyday, it gets harder. Harder to believe. Harder to find faith. Harder to fulfill the duties that are instilled in me. I look around at everyone else, those who surround me. Some soar through the trade with ease and grace, knowing how to make Him happy, knowing how to make themselves happy. I will never get Employee of the Month. Because I don't know how to be exceptional. I don't know how to not have my doubts. I can't promise that I will be able to finish what I start or know how to handle it all or how to succeed.

It's the most unfair part of me, to not be grateful, to not feel like I have the advantage. Because this job offers so many benefits. But I let the tribulations rule my life. I focus on the afflictions, and left the heartache rule my life. How can He have such love for me when I can't even begin to understand His reasoning? There is no security in wavering faith. But I can't seem to apply myself to the position of disciple. I don't have the requirements to fill the title and all it entails. So how do I justify myself, trying to qualify for what can't be done?

The temptation to be safe overtakes my world. To not care. To not feel. To not love. To not live. As much as I want to give my notice, I know I can't. Because then it would all come crashing down, all the pain and endurance that, though it seems further and further everyday, has brought me closer to the upgraded version of me, the promotion that I'm not so deserving of. Because quitting is not the right answer. A life without God, to live with no belief, no faith, is simply not living. Because being a Christian is anything but safe. It is messy and daunting and completely erratic. It's difficult and heartbreaking and miraculous and beautiful. And I am still in training.


I'm close to my breaking point. I'm scared to death. And I can't see 2 feet in front of me. But I'll pray everyday until I can't pray anymore.
God is my master, and I'll do everything in my power to keep it that way. This girl's not going anywhere.


I may be broken. I may be hellbent. But I'm not damaged goods. God's got me covered in His 401K.


"Oh, no. My walls are gonna break. So close. It's more than I can take. I'm so tired of turning and running away when LOVE just isn't everything you want, but it's everything you need. It's not always happy endings, but it's every in between. It's taken to long, so long to finally see, that your LOVE is worth the risk." Britt Nicole